The Finish Line (sort of)

I knew the date of June 2025 would show up quickly. It’s a milestone date for our whole family, and it’s just weeks away, and I am SO READY. I think everyone else is, too.

My last baby, Wesley, graduates from high school next month, and what it looks like is both the same and completely different than when I considered it so many years ago, knowing he was my last baby 18 years ago.

I never set out to have six kids. Why did I is a long story that is yet to be fully told. But have them I did, and I intended to graduate each of them from school-at-home. There’s not a device invented that could measure my gratitude for that NOT being the case. Teaching my kids at home was the best thing I ever did, and putting my kids in public school, getting divorced, and going back to work was also the best thing I ever did. In my advanced wisdom, I see more and more how many contradictions can be true at once.

When I enrolled them all in Minnetonka schools, I joked that when the last one graduated in 2025, I’d throw a party for the school district as a thanks for educating them all so long and so well. James only did two years of public school, and Wesley did all but kindergarten. Six very different experiences, but six extremely successful outcomes. Thinking about it more, I think the district should throw a party for ME, right? Or maybe my kids should throw a parade in my honor. Six kids in public school were way more work than homeschooling, and if you doubt me, come sit down next to me and I’ll tell you all the ways you’re wrong.

2025 is a big year of transitions for our family. Wesley graduates high school. Karl turns 60 in August. My 40th class reunion is in August. Wesley starts college in September. And then we have our first wedding! James marries his sweetheart Chelsea in November. There are four other kids in there somewhere, all doing cool things, always starting something new or creating fresh energy. It’s a lot, and I love it all.

What’s an empty nest? I have no idea, as I’ll have two college kids choosing to live at home and commute next year. I love that for me and for them, and I am also ready for them all to fly the coop someday soon. I’ve read all the blogs and social media posts about mothers mourning the end of hands-on mothering, and wondering how they’ll ever survive without their kids around them. That thought has never occurred to me in almost 30 years of parenting, and I’m not ashamed to say that.

I read a blog recently, I think on “Grown and Flown” and it really struck me as sad and deeply unsettling. It was written by a mom who’s oldest (only?) son was getting married and she was in mourning that she was no longer the most important woman in his life.

Woah.

Unless this young man is getting married right out of high school, this feels so strange. I haven’t done everything right with my kids, but I’ve raised them to be independent adults and have enjoyed the gradual untying of strings and being on their own in their early-mid 20s. My oldest is getting married this fall at age 29 and if I was still his first phone call with news, still his most important female, still his daily check in or primary source of emotional support, I’d be concerned about his well-being. Assuming adult kids are mostly employed and have been on their own for a bit, I don’t want to be needed that much for that long. In no world do I feel sad that a woman (or man) would “replace” me as the primary love in my child’s life. Sigh.

My identity is not fulfilled through my children. My role as mother is just one part of me.

So moving on we are! Graduating, educating, employing, marrying, working, growing, changing, becoming.

I’m also retiring from co-parenting with my ex-husband. Divorced people might understand a bit of what I say here, but this is a milestone worth celebrating. The end of shared expenses. The end of keeping up communication, calendars, information, planning grad parties and events and holidays and softball and hockey. No more sharing of information about doctor appointments, health care, plans, travel, jobs, injuries. Now, it’s up to the kids and their dad to determine how and when they have contact, share information, stay up to date, and navigate new adult/parent relationships. I’m resigning from my role as information-keeper and life-facilitator.

Being the primary caregiver for 10 people for the last 30 years has taken a toll. Two husbands, six kids, and two aging-ailing-dying parents have drained a good bit of life and energy from my body and soul. They all know I love them and have no regrets for the care I have given, and they all know I am looking forward to, for the first time in my adult life, making choices for just me. Of course, my kids and Karl will always be part of the decisions and plans I make, but no one NEEDS my constant care any longer.

Call me cold, call me callous, call me selfish – and I am none of those – but I am ready for new.

Will I cry at Wesley’s graduation? God damn it, quite a bit. I will be proud of him, be overwhelmed by the last one graduating, and feel bittersweet about the end of an era. Will I bawl like a baby at James and Chelsea’s wedding? Also yes. Again – pride and joy and happiness and milestone, and sharing in their joy and the joy of my family while we celebrate largely will overwhelm my mommy heart and spill over it with so many tears.

And then I’ll wipe those tears, blow my nose, look back with fondness and happy glow.

But I’ll mostly be here and now, and excited about what’s next. Because what’s next is going to be so good.